seven days.

I’ve never believed myself to be a brave as most people think. My thought process is usually riddled with doubts that I can’t seem to escape, regardless of how hard I try. It took someone asking “why not?” to a pretty general question for me to see just how much I allow these doubts to hinder my productivity, growth, and experiences. This all started with a random flight deal to Miami that, whether I knew it or not, would change my views on life as I knew it.

I booked the ticket somewhere in November and told myself time and time again that I would never actually go. At first no one was available to join me, and then they were, then suddenly they weren’t again…then I debated whether or not a single woman going to Miami was as ludicrous as everyone around me made it seem. In December I still couldn’t decide whether or not I would actually go through with it. January came and burying my cousin made taking a random solo vacation almost seem selfish. How dare I take this time off from my reality to explore a new city? How could I possibly enjoy myself after having a vessel literally torn from my family? I was scared, but still hadn’t completely ruled out the idea.

So I finally decided…and it was quite the experience. I partied with the rich and famous, I made my way into member’s only clubs with foreign investors who confused me for some type of Somalian goddess. I l i v e d…but I also learned.

For starters, I will never ever ever let someone (not even myself) tell me what I am incapable of. A person offering such advice is too arrogant to see the errors in their beliefs and has no place in my life or yours. It’s really that simple. This trip also, strangely enough, made me think about my romantic relationships and the ways in which I consume and dispose of the men with whom I cross paths. I’m sure after reading a bit the fact that I use people to cure my boredom comes as no huge shocker, however, it’s a bad habit that I need to do away with sooner than later. After awhile all of the eye emoji texts/responses to my Snaps just got old and annoying and I had no one to blame but myself, especially since my agenda is usually just as devious as theirs.

With this new found spark of courage I started imagining the perfect life and allowing my thoughts to go as far as they possibly could. I envisioned myself as an award winning writer who showed up to speaking engagements in sweatshirts, or as a mommy tugging my kids around in one of those really cool strollers…all things that I’ve wanted forever, but told myself I’d never have. I knew I’d spend my vacation week drunk and hanging out until ungodly hours, but I didn’t realize how introspective the entire time would be.

On the last night of my stay I went and sat on the beach desperately seeking some cliche rush of inspiration and though I didn’t quite get the major key that would lead to a crazy writing job of my dreams, I came up with this:

if somehow God really listened and answered all of our reasonable prayers I’d request the following:

a reader who blesses me with words from the greats until I fall asleep. a leader who holds my heart with the reverence of a saint kneeling before God. someone so inspiring that I can’t help but feel bursts of ideas whenever in their presence. someone who may not do standup comedy for a living, but makes me laugh so hard that my stomach hurts. someone respectful enough to simply respectfully disagree when necessary. someone who doesn’t feel like work. 

Moral to my story: you should take trips, even if you have to do so by yourself. you should go out and trust your instincts. you should absolutely party with Europeans and simply smile when they invite you to a threesome (or join, if that’s your thing). you should absolutely wear the dress that makes you feel like no one can stop you. you should call a guy in the middle of the night and quit him if he doesn’t answer. (I mean how could he not? everyone knows you’re alone and vulnerable.) you should smile when people search for imperfections to see if your breasts are real and you should always do it twice if it feels great.