sometimes it pours 


He came. To my house. To my rescue. Inside. He came and I knew the second he exhaled and dropped his head into my right shoulder.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

There is something to be found in the darkness of those who prefer dysfunction. Those who need a problem in order to understand a solution, those who need to bleed in order to feel alive. The children who gathered the danger of open flames, compartmentalized it, and decided to touch anyway. Does my need to experience it in order to believe make me a masochist or simply just inquisitive? Am I addicted to pain or just without faith?

I fear happiness. Doesn’t that sound crazy? Well, often times the truth is stranger than fiction. I fear happiness in addition to its byproducts. You may know them; excitement, anticipation, eagerness. I walk my life and this world in fear that my dreams are only a few steps away. Why? Well, because what if I am victorious? I spent many years preparing for the worst, the “worst” an ever changing concept, depending on what the current source of fear is.

Today I am fearful for a number of reasons. I am in love and that is terrifying. It does not require much and yet, it requires everything. It forces me to continue conversations that would usually end (without warning) due to lack of engagement and/or respect for the other party. No, “and/or” are not mutually exclusive. I fear someone waking up to me and completely regretting their decision to take a chance, I fear waking up and feeling the same. I fear. I fear. I fea-

“Congratulations, you’re expecting.”

My hands begin to tremble and I can feel the early stages of a panic attack. Silver lining here? I am already in the hospital and managed to ensure that my Beats were charged prior to leaving the apartment.

Yesterday I was also told that in life the only two emotions we can expect to find at the root of all things are love and fear. You either fear something so much that you do go thru it, or love something so much that you do away with fear.

With that being said, today I became a mother…