self.

author’s note

Over the last year much of my writing has centered around documenting the human experience. More specifically, how emotion drives behavior and the resulting thoughts. It’s an experiment that has been and is still deeply personal, raw, and introspective — themes that I aim to incorporate in everything I create. What I didn’t share publicly, I explored internally and through observation of others. 

The purpose of this is to offer insight into the different sides of our most interpersonally complex emotions. A double-sided mirror, if you will.

In “discretion.” we channeled the burden of self control.  In “self.” we will explore the lack thereof. 

Regardless of what side of this mirror you currently stand on, I hope you enjoy it and thank you for reading.

self.

i know i said i didn’t mean to disturb you but i figured we could at least be friends despite the laundry list of transgressions i’ve committed that suggest otherwise. i know i said i wouldn’t do this. i know i told you that i’d respect your wishes and i do. i swear i do.

i know all of these things and yet my loyalty lies in its place of origin. i deserve that, even if i don’t deserve you. i sow seeds in my own garden and as a result, i am never left without harvest. i always reap. i never experience discontentment, but i miss you.

where does one’s humanity end and begin when you are your own bottom line? if the only sin in your sanctuary is abandonment of desire, how far will your cravings lead you? if the road to hell is paved with good intentions, where exactly will that leave me? 

you’re not better than me. you know that, right

i watched you. you and the others, constantly jumping at the opportunity to sacrifice and saw where you landed. jaded, confused, and a host of other adverse emotions that are impossible to feel when you always get the first plate. 

i must admit that i’ve made peace with villainhood because if this is a safe space, therein lies the better story. my need for access and validation shouldn’t trump your right to peace and i know that but please. i need you.