نُوفِمْبَر

“is it a person?”

Babyyyyy. 

I know you didn’t think you could trust me, but I told you that I’d never let you down and I meant that. Really. Just look. None of this was possible without you. You’re so ambitious and inquisitive and with the exception of debilitating anxiety + earth shattering depression, I want my daughter to be just like you. 

You never stopped asking questions and for that, reality is bigger than anything you could imagine. Still working but getting there, you know? Still trying. 

Had to say some goodbyes that I know you didn’t anticipate but I truly hope you understand me enough to know that it was for the best. Don’t be mad at me, okay? and even if you are mad, don’t make a post about it. It’s not so fun when you’re on the receiving end.

I cut my hair and part of me wonders if it’s a silent ode to you. I got back to your size again too. Remember your birthday romper? Bihhhh I can fit it! For awhile time wasn’t so kind to me or my size, but I feel closer to you now than ever. I must admit, sometimes I wish I was as fun as you were. I mean I’m cool!  But not like you. There will never ever be another you. You are where it all started. You are the reason and the why. 

I’m so thankful that you allowed me an opportunity to even be in a space to write you this letter. I miss you so much, especially in the 11th month. It used to make me sad but now I am filled with great appreciation for the force that was you. You taught me everything I know and one day soon (but not too soon), I hope someone will feel the same for me.

I never forgot about your book. It’s almost done, I promise. No amount of money or professional success will keep me from that. Right now it’s looking like Q4 2020 but I’ll keep you posted. I got you into a MFA program too AND I saw to it that you did not miss another Bey concert due to lack of funds. Seeee, I told you that you could trust me. 

To refrain from rambling I’ll leave you with this – you weren’t crazy when you would write “reinvention is always possible” on any sheet of paper you could find, you were practicing indoctrination. You, my dearest November, were always my dream girl.