If I had to give a list of my worst phobias, I think it would be a little like this:

1. Midgets/Dwarfs
2. Oversized cartoon character costumes
3. Being tied to anyone/anything after I no longer wish to be

For obvious reasons, we’re gonna focus on #3 today.

At no point in my life have I ever loved anything or anyone enough to risk my freedom for their comfort. I am a mental wanderer (just made that up) of some sorts & I am extremely fearful of making any decision that could possibly link me to anything after I no longer want any parts of it.

This is why I do not have unprotected sex. This is why I will probably never move in with some love interest. This is why I am always upfront with anyone I become involved with that my needs, happiness, & desires will never be second.

I am obsessed with the thrill of new things. New shoes, new cities, new guys, new jobs. I am also extremely impulsive…as I’m sure you’ve already gathered, this is often a recipe for disaster. Once a situation no longer benefits me in the ways I need it to, I do not see the point in staying. I had someone say to me that I act as if I don’t need anyone & like all people are replaceable…at first I felt bad but in retrospect, she was right. Well, not 100% but close. People may not be replaceable but they are, however, very much interchangeable.

Before you get to side eyeing me…let me tell you how I got this way…

The little girl who waited for someone (not just a daddy like the world loves to say) to show up as promised & they never did will grow into the woman who doesn’t even bother looking for a return on the promises made by others. Once the seed of mistrust is planted, the cycle almost never ends.

I won’t pretend as if I’m some ice queen with absolutely no feelings because that simply is not the case. I just don’t wait on the stoop for people to show up anymore. I anticipate that they won’t so when they make good on that, the blow is much more softer.

Enough about that, though. Back to the point.

I live in constant fear that if I don’t settle for life as I know it that I’ll never be happy. With the idea that there is no much thing as true happiness & contentment, just toleration & adaptation.

Adapting to the life you hate but are scared to leave because of the dangers of the unknown…

Tolerating the lackluster love that no longer excites you out of fear that you’ll never experience love again…

Growing content with the idea of dreams being visions you see while resting & not an actual life to be had…

just completely bound by all of your fears.

letters from a muse.

there was once a time where I just wanted your space.
your love.
your light.
the intense desire to become a memory you’d never erase.
like the muse of a young Lauryn,
you inspired me to be the higher me.
your love made me better
your words, I did treasure
between obsession & insanity,
I often tethered.
my need to help,
matched with my need to heal.
your need for acceptance,
matched by your need to feel.
I watched my blood spill onto the pages of your notebook,
my sorrows into the melodies of your songs,
my pleasure woven deeply into the canvas in which you painted our story;
a story that I’ll never forget.
a story that I’ll one day regret.
an experience that you needed to to quench your creatively driven thirst.
one that for me will always be considered the worst;
the worst heartache,
the most foundation shattering earthquake,
the time when I loved too much to realize what was happening.
back before I knew what it meant to be a “muse” & my foolish herb influenced mind thought I was in control.
before I shed tears to mourn the love I thought I’d never replace.
before I realized that I was simply acting as a place–
the truth that hit me like a boulder.
a reality that shook my core
a love that could never be much more.
the old “fall in love with an artist & you’ll never die” saying bears some truth.
the scars that I bear on my heart from the strokes of your paintbrush,
I offer as proof.

why I’m not a “writer” or any other label.

This past weekend I had the luxury *sarcasm* of being called young, dumb, and misinformed by twitter extremists when I said that men could support equal rights and not necessarily identify as “feminists.”

…I guess. 

I wasn’t exactly annoyed by the drones of tweeters with “sex positive, feminist, womanist, everything-that-can-possibly-end-with-ist” labels in their bios. I was actually enjoying a pretty tasty chicken burrito bowl from chipotle so I was amused, to say the very least. Their commentary didn’t do much more than get me to thinking about why I reject labels completely and always have. I’ve never liked being thrown into a group of countless others for the sake of having a name. This is probably why I didn’t fair very well with the sorority I tried to join in undergrad but that’s neither here nor there.

More recently, I’ve been fighting this “writer” label like two strippers who accidentally danced in the same area and can’t seem to separate the proceeds like civil human beings…idk why, I’ve just never really felt much like a writer, or anything else for that matter. I talked to a few of my writer friends and aside from them being seemingly annoyed with what can be perceived as fake modesty, they offered some pretty decent insight and unlike the twitter-ists from this weekend, informed me that I didn’t have to study and train my entire life just to be considered something…which in this case, is a writer.

For me, like many others, I think it’s much easier to tell yourself what you aren’t instead of giving props for what you are. I can tell you that I almost always ruin “simultaneously” without spellcheck. (swear on everything I fucked that up before spellcheck dissed me with the red squiggly line). I can also tell you how I am completely off balance almost 100% of the time. One of my friends once likened me to the Gumby-looking blow up things outside of hood car wash places and now that I think of it, that’s a pretty accurate description…of every single day of my life. I could also tell you that at 23 I am still not completely sure if I can ride a bike without any assistance and this may or may not be the exact reason why I don’t have a driver’s license. Or maybe talk about how I have absolutely no rhythm so at a young age I learned that if you know all the songs and rap them as if you were in the booth when they were produced, no one will ever notice the fact that you can’t actually dance and just big up your faux rapping skills.

But since I’m on this whole “everything is awesome! let’s all be super positive!” kick I’ll try not to harp on my flaws too much and tell you the things I can do:

I have an impeccable ear for production…music production that is. It’s like my hidden talent. I even went as far as emailing the good folks at DONDA to tell that I’m nice enough serve as an apprentice of some sort to Kanye…I’m not exactly sure why they couldn’t find it in their hearts to give me a shot but I’m sure he’ll regret that shit when I’m on TV.

I may or may not be as great of a pop-locker as Omarion when I’m drunk. In my mind I look like the dance part of the “touch” video, but in reality I’m certain that I look like Leo DiCap dancing in the wedding scene of The Wolf On Wall Street.

Lastly, (believe me, this list was so fucking hard to shorten because I’m pretty much amazing at everything…don’t laugh. that’s what whiskey tells me & whiskey does NOT lie.) I’m pretty good at seeing the beauty and good in others. For some reason I have this whole Negrodamus thing going on where I can see the future or at least be so arrogant to try to make someone believe that they should listen to my drunken predictions…idk. The Negrodamus thing sounds cooler.

The point of this is to get you to consider what’s great about you. It’s easy to talk about your cellulite or how you should probably get better at being a person at some point but that shit kinda gets you nowhere. If you train your eyes to always see a glass half empty, you’ll never celebrate the coolness of having it half full.

Don’t start clapping, I just made that shit up…like literally two seconds ago.  Does this mean I’m like a freestyle rapper…only of blogging? AM I A FREESTYLE BLOGGER?!

see, just discovered another reason to call myself amazing. start jotting down a list for yourself!


five chicks walk into a bar.

Every woman is apart of a clique at some point in her life, whether she’s aware of it or not. Cliques are funny. The group chats, the spats amongst members, the rules of “girl world.” If you’re reading this thinking, “I don’t have these issues I’m a grown ass woman” girl, shut up. You’re probably the annoying one.

So five chicks walk into a bar (or club, whatever.) and this is the standard breakdown:

Girl 1: “I’m in love. I have a man already. I don’t even club like that, just here for my girl’s birthday.”

She’s right, she NEVER goes out and if she does it’s ONLY because her man decided to go out for his friend’s birthday (he never goes out either, they love sitting in the house staring at each other). Girl 1 is ALWAYS ready to go. She might rap along with a song or two, get you hype when you’re doing your “it’s midnight and it’s my birthday” twerk but she has absolutely no desire to sit in this hot ass club with you wayward souls any longer. She could be at home, loving up on her man and she’s only here because you got mad about her flaking on the last few outings. Everybody knows that missing a birthday for any reason other than death is a mortal sin in girl world.

Girl 2: “I’m in love…with a dude who isn’t worth shit. I’m here because he isn’t answering”

You may think that Girl 1 and Girl 2 are the same but you are sadly mistaken. Girl 1 actually HAS a boyfriend, Girl 2 isn’t quite sure what to call her “situation.” Girl 2 believes that a bond is worth more than a title. She sits in her phone the entire night hoping that Mr. Aint Shit is so kind enough to bless her with a “what you doing later?” text. Another thing about Girl 2, she never really knows when she’ll see Mr. A.S. again so as soon as she gets the text you’ll see her trying to be low and gather her things. She knows she’s an addict. She knows yal are tired of the bullshit with her and her situation. You know it too but she’s cool. You all hope that one day when this is over, you’ll laugh at this…until she meets her next situation. She might say something like, “alright yal, I’m out. I’m kinda tired.” She aint tired. She’s going to get her fix.

Girl 3: “Fuck love. Don’t say anything to me OR them.”

Girl 3 is mean as fuck. She’s been Girl 1 and Girl 2 before and now she’s just over it. She’s usually the one you try to get the most liquor in, in hopes that she’ll be nice to the guys you meet. She’s in her phone the entire night too (on twitter or IG. no one’s texting her) and because she hates men most days she raps all of the “fuck niggas” verses like she penned them herself. You love Girl 3 because she’s a realist but you also know that she’s really not for the bullshit. When Girl 4 starts getting drunk and touchy, she’s the one swooping in like someone’s mama to save her. The ultimate cock blocker, especially “first time” cocks. She takes pride in feeling like she saved you from your hoe self. She has nothing for anyone who isn’t apart of the group she came with but one word answers. She got all dolled up just to come to the club and be evil.

Girl 4: “I’m okkkkkk! Seriously, yal. I’m fine! I’ll text yal when we get there!”

Oh, the beloved Girl 4. Girl 4 is a thrill seeker. She’s indulges in experiences like a coke head indulges in…well, you get it. She’s fun and sometimes you don’t understand how you got so close with someone so wild. Girl 4 usually has no issues with anyone…except for the habitual line stepper that is Girl 3. You might look up in a party and Girl 4 is over in a corner, tonguing down some random and setting up a situation for the end of the night. Like Girl 2, she will leave you in a heartbeat to chase her high. For Girl 4, “high” could mean men, drugs, or dancing with random homeless folks on the street. With her, you truly just never know what to expect. She usually starts off her crazy stories a little like, “Yal, don’t judge me but…” and despite her disclaimer, she doesn’t really care if you or anyone else judges her. Girl 4 marches to one drum, the one that she beats herself.

Girl 5: *Awkward Silence*

Girl 5 is an interesting character…she’s like a Girl 3 and Girl 4 hybrid of some sorts. The judge-y attitude of Girl 3 and the “down for anything” attitude of Girl 4. Difference is, Girl 5 actually cares if you judge her. She wants to be wild but hasn’t quite discovered the confidence to do so…so how does she feat this? By being wild behind closed doors and a bitch in the open. Unlike Girl 4, news of Girl 5’s bad behavior is almost always found out via secondhand accounts. With her, you really never know what she’s up to. Depending on tonight’s mood she might be apart of Girl 3’s peanut gallery or she could be setting plans with Girl 4. SN: Girl 1 doesn’t really care much for Girl 5. Aren’t cliques fun?!

So you know I gotta ask…which girl are you?

five guys walk into a bar.

The responses to “5 Chicks Walk Into a Bar” were so dope yesterday that I felt compelled to do a guy version. I like my opinion but in order for it to be genuine it hadddddd to come from a primary source. So, I recruited a guy and after a hilarious, nearly 2 hour session of brainstorming this is what we came up with. So, yeah. Thanks, friend!

Cliques aren’t just a “chick thing.” Sure, most guys don’t take group trips to the restroom but they still have their quirks. Welp, here we go…again.

Guy 1: The Keeper

“Guy 1 is the glue. He provides focus for the group. He brings everything back to a happy place.”

The Keeper is a gem. In a guy clique, he’s almost always the underdog. Never talks much, probably doesn’t drink a lot. He’s usually there for no reason other than one of his friends being the promoter. He’s not popular because he chose to be, it’s solely by association. He alwayssss has a girlfriend but he’s usually overlooked for the guys we’ll get to in a minute. The Keeper always gets joked on for being a “cuffin ass nigga” but he can’t imagine why his friends would rather be in a hot ass club in hopes that they’ll leave with something instead of having what I like to call “in-house” already home waiting. As great as Guy 1 is, he’s usually only a heartbreak away from becoming Guy 4. Women usually miss out on The Keeper because they’re too busy getting him confused with our next guy…

Guy 2: The “Nice” One

“Guy 2 will ruin your life and yet, you’ll feel like it was the most beautiful experience ever.”

The “nice” guy is always handsome and usually has the most manners out of the bunch. He loves women more than most things on this earth and has no problem sharing that love…with multiple women. He’s popular, seems to have a better resume than the other guys. The “nice” guy is like a dream come true…until you’re in a room crying about how you “just didn’t see this coming.” The “nice” one isn’t afraid of relationships but he can always be identified by his usage of phrases like, “why allow titles to complicate things? If you enjoy this, what’s wrong with what we’re doing?” In the clique, he gets along with everyone.. If you are currently smiling at your phone from texts from someone who sounds a little like this, RUN. RUN FROM THAT SOUL SNATCHER. IT’S GOOD, I KNOW. OF COURSE IT IS! HE’S HAD A LOT OF PRACTICE!

Guy 3: The Facilitator

“Guy 3 has women/can get them easily. He throws alley oops all night and somebody better throw down”

Oh, Guy 3. Guy 3 is fun. Guy 3 is the promoter who every chick calls “big bro” without realizing that the entire night he’s just getting them drunk so that his friends can have plays for the evening. Guy 3 wants everyone to have a good time and has no problem coordinating the party and the after party. He is a mastermind. Unlike Guy 2, there are no rumors of Guy 3 being an insane whore. He comes up OFTEN because he’s the “cool” one. Guy 3s are usually the least judgmental of the group, they believe that “the game is the game” and seldom take issue with “bumping heads” with other guys in the group. This is why women love him, and men want to be him.

Guy 4: The Savage

“Guy 4 has been cheated on…and he fucks girlfriends.”

The world may never know how it is that The Savage comes up on so many women. He’s rude, he’s disrespectful, and he’s a borderline hater but somehow he still gets women to do shit for him that they’d never do for a nice guy. (an actual nice guy. not that soul snatcher, Guy 2.) Contrary to popular belief, Guy 2 and Guy 4 are the EXACT same person. Guy 2 has mastered the art of making women feel comfortable, like they’re the only one while Guy 4 uses his aggression as a tool to attract the “anybody can be changed” ass chicks. Girlfriends DESPISE the savage because he is truly the worst kind of friend. He is the most likely to have domestic drama occur in a club, drama that that is usually concluded by him yelling “FUCK THAT BITCH” and being dragged away by the other guys. Oh yeah, him and Guy 3 ALWAYS bump heads.

Guy 5: The “Where My Hug At?” Ass Nigga

“Guy 5 is never really attractive but he’s alwayssss fly. He probably DJs or something…”

If at the beginning of every evening you find yourself asking your friends, “Where the bitches at, bruh/cuz/son?” YOU, my friend, are Guy 5. Guy 5 is THEE most annoying dude on the planet. He’s tolerated because he’s close friends with Guys 2 & 3 (they probably grew up together) but no one can stand to be around him for more than 20 minutes. For him, platonic relationships are non existent and he uses every. single. opportunity he is given to shoot a shot that will almost never go anywhere. Interesting fact about Guy 5, though. He DOES come up sometimes. He’ll shoot 50 shots in hopes that just one lands and unfortunately, some straggler will fall victim. Guy 5 wants the entire world to know that he’s getting play so bad that he’ll never let the fling die. He’ll never see you after sex and be regular, he ALWAYS finds it necessary to do something to remind you of how he caught you off the humble.

I’m a woman who knows women but I think this is onto something.

So, ladies…who do you usually go for? BE HONEST.

Guys, which one are you?

A better “what you need” list for millennial women.

I  can’t count how many “20 Things Every 20 Something Should Have” lists I’ve read. In my first few months out of college, I was unemployed and reading these lists from my mom’s couch daily. You mean to tell me my life is shit because I don’t have A1 credit and a chaise lounge from Williams-Sonoma? I have to be doing this 20 something thing all wrong.

Fuck them. I’ll create my own list & it won’t knock you for not having been on at least 15 international trips by the age of 21 (although, that would be pretty cool.) So, yeah. Here we go:

1. A Solid Pair of Riding Boots

Yes, riding boots are #1. I’m not talking about the $35 ones you pick up from H&M when you just need a quick fit. I mean some good, quality, leather boots that will last you many years if you’re good to them. I’m no big baller and I’ve never been much of a shot caller, but I do know that the money you spend on good boots at 24 is the money you won’t have to spend next winter.

2. A Journal

Writing isn’t everyone’s thing, I know but I also know that recording your thoughts can be therapeutic and funny when you reread them in a few years. I document e v e r y t h i n g in hopes that one day I can pass it all on to my daughter or maybe even publish it. Get yourself a cool journal (TJ Maxx, FTW) and see where your mind takes you. You’ll surprise yourself.

3. A Form of Birth Control

Listen, if you want children this part clearly isn’t for you but if you don’t you should definitely have a form of birth control more reliable than condoms or his pull-out method. I am pro-choice but I am also pro-making sure I do everything to avoid ending up in a predicament that may or may not require the big “a.” We’re all adults here and if you know in your heart that you aren’t ready, discuss BC options with your gyno & get you a little bit of clarity. NO ONE enjoys that “it’s the 10th and my period was supposed to be here last Friday” feeling.

4. A Quality Sex Partner

Yes, I believe every woman should have this. We all work (or go to school) and there is scientific proof that sex is one of the greatest stress relievers so why not? Your partner could be your boyfriend, could be bae, or could be a guy you see every other week whenever you just need a fix…no judgment, get yours but make sure that you’re actually getting yours. If you are currently having bad sex with someone, you have shamed me.

5. Talenti (at least two flavors just in case the grocery store is ever out)

If for some reason or another sex just isn’t your thing look no further, talenti is the kinda sex that won’t have you looking for a possibly missed period or in the gyno because something weird is going on down there. Talenti will always be true, and if your housemates aren’t a piece of shit it will always be waiting for you in your freezer when you get home. No back talk, no side chicks, no drama. Talenti just wants to please you and give you all that you deserve. Treat yo’ self.

6. A Personal Library

Books are probably the cheapest vacations most will ever experience. If you’re a lover of fiction like me, you get to meet new people and visit new places every time you crack open a new book. You can read for entertainment, for education, or for both but you should always be reading something. My mom (a teacher) has this saying, “the more you read, the better you write.” It’s true. Reading not only introduces you to new concepts, but it can also expand your vocabulary in ways you couldn’t imagine.

7. A Business Suit (& the shoes to match)

Don’t let me catch you wearing that tight ass maxi skirt to a job interview. Don’t let me catch you wearing platform heels to an office. Don’t you do it, don’t you piss Rif off like that. Even if you only have one, you need a good suit and JC Penney has them for the low for all of my baes on a budget. My first suit has been with me for failed attempts at joining a sorority, meetings with public officials, and my first “big girl job” interview. Shoes are important, too. I hate everything about kitten heels but leave the Jeffrey Campbells at home when you’re trying to be taken seriously and bring out a classic 3-4″ round toe or pointy toe pump.

8. A Favorite Beyonce/Rihanna/Nicki Minaj Song

Sometimes you’re having a rough day and you just need to be reminded of how ***Flawlessyou are. Maybe you need to put one in the air and twerk to “Pour It Up.” When I’m having a bad day I HAVE to listen to Beyonce so that I don’t choke someone. My casually misogynistic supervisor makes comments about women in the work place and I literally have “Run the World (Girls)” waiting on my itunes to keep from smacking him. For some reason, listening to these 3 women who are running things in a game controlled by men recharges me. Turn on some Nicki and get your life.

9. A Good Bra

One day gravity will defy you and your titties will start to fall from glory, we know this but don’t you go speeding up the process by failing to treat your lady lumps with the respect they deserve. BUY GOOD BRAS. Yes, they are expensive but this is one of those things you can’t go cheap on. I’m a 36D, a piece of me dies every time I pay $45+ for a bra but it’s necessary. Pay veryyyyy close attention to the dates of VS’ Semi Annual sales and come up on bras marked down to $15-$20.

10. At Least 3 Go-To Hairstyles

Lists like these typically include 3 core meals but no, you can order takeout if you’re ever hungry enough but what are you gonna do when you get caught in the rain and Leticia,your beautician, is out of town? Even if your basic 3 include a high bun, a quick wrap, and a braid out you need SOMETHING. Every girl has their thing and mine is definitely hair. When my hair is a mess, tap me and ask me what I’m going through because I’m clearly breaking down. You don’t want to get caught looking a mess when you have an important meeting in 2 hours.

11. Staple Beauty Products

While we’re on the topic, you should definitely have a list of favorite things that you ALWAYS have. These things are usually small but essential. Example: I NEED my MAC Extreme Dimension Lash Mascara, I NEED my J’adore Dior perfume. If I have nothing else, these two things always make me feel like I’ve gone from ashy to classy. Your staples may include a certain conditioner or nail polish but no matter what they are, they have the power to make you feel good even when you aren’t having the greatest day. Keep them on hand.

12. A Hobby

Some women workout. Some write. Some read. Some play video games. Doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you always set aside time to do the things you enjoy. The things that you are perfectly content doing alone, without any interruption from the world or responsibilities. You need hobbies to keep you sane and if you haven’t figured out one yet, keep looking. Everyone has their thing, you just have to find yours.

13. Patience

You might not be where you want to be but are you working towards it? Are you always remaining cognizant of your dreams and aspirations? Are you respecting the ever present fact that our plans aren’t necessarily our fate? If you can answer “yes” to all of these questions, you’re halfway there. Relax and know that as long as you’re striving for it, success is never too far away.

14. A Solid Circle of Friends

Every girl needs her girls. I don’t care how strong you are, you ALWAYS need another woman to help you through whatever life decides to toss at you this month. It can take years to build an actual circle and the women apart of this circle aren’t always connected, sometimes their only connection is you and that’s ok. We all have our “when I can’t go on” friend, but we also need our “guaranteed great night” friend. Over time, this circle can and more than likely will change and that’s perfectly fine. Just don’t question the importance of friends. We need each other.

15. A Pretty Cool Gyno

I don’t know a woman alive who can honestly say that she looks forward to getting her annual. Do you know one? Point her my way so I can call her out for who she truly is, a liar and a fake. Everything about trips to the gyno is uncomfortable. Getting naked in a cold office, explaining to a stranger how you may or may not have used condoms the last time you had sex, super freaking uncomfortable. Ease the awkwardness by getting a cool gyno. Male or female, you shouldn’t be nervous to talk to anyone inspecting your love nest. This is the one person who you should ALWAYS be 100% honest with, and it’s much easier to discuss your not-so-great decisions with someone who doesn’t make you feel like you’re the scum of the earth.

16. A Vacation (or Staycation if it better suits your budget)

The world is an insanely huge place and every year that you spend not exploring it is a year that you are doing a huge disservice to yourself. I just went on my first adult vacation in April and though it was only to California, I felt alive. I felt like I wasn’t just working to pay rent and student loans. This was the first time that I had ever really experienced the fruits of my labor outside of random shopping sprees. Grab a friend and book a plane ticket (the earlier, the better. traveling is only really expensive when you don’t plan properly.)

17. Up-To-Date Political Knowledge

I love politics so this may seem a little biased but hear me out. There are male politicians who have made comments about “legitimate rape” and completely get rid of employee insurance covered BC options. WE NEED TO WATCH THESE CRAZIES BEFORE THEY TRY TO MAKE BEATING YOUR WIFE LEGAL AGAIN. That might be a stretch but, still. We’ve come a long way, but we’re still making much less than men and basically being penalized for having a uterus. Knowing your officials and their positions on women’s right protects you much more than it hurts. Stay woke.

18. A Sense of Self

Who you were doesn’t determine who you will become and who you are today is subject to change. You will make mistakes and sometimes even deal with feelings of regret, stop that. Regret nothing, trust yourself, and do whatever it takes to keep a smile on your face. As long as you aren’t hurting anyone, I’m here for doing whatever is necessary to maintain your sanity.


Why do you keep giving yourself to someone who you have to constantly question? Why continue to deal with a person and feel like shit about it later? Why allow his/her happiness to trump yours? We always know when someone is wrong for us whether we choose to shout it to the world or not. You owe it to yourself to quit anyone who makes you feel like your name is Farrah Franklin. You’re Beyonce, bae. Don’t you ever forget it!

20. Meeeeeeee, DUH!

You should be reading the 20-20. alla tahm, erry day. You should tell your friends about this crazy ass girl who posts letters to her former flings for your shits and giggles. You should experience this, why? Because when I make lists like this, they’re for both of us. I’m a hot mess too.

Honorable Mentions: A good purse, Mean Girls on DVD, and sexy black panties.

Am I Gonna Hit Send or Not?

…when I put my pride aside, I be doing the most.

                                                                -Chris Brown, “Drunk Texting”

Hi, my name is Sharifa and I am a chronic drunk texter. Everybody say, “Hiiiiiiii Sharifa.”

If I’m feeling you, I’m gonna drunk text you and I’ve had enough drunken nights/days/maybemorningsbutdon’tjudgemylife to know how this entire thing goes.

*magical movie harp plays in background and we fade in to a club*

I started early tonight. I always do. We always do. It’s like 11 and my mouth is already feeling numb. I had every intention on sticking to whiskey tonight but Nai passed me 2 shots of Henny and I kinda had no choice. Fuck it, let’s do it. Do I really wanna spend tonight alone? Do I ever? Should I send this text? Nah. I’m not. We haven’t talked in like 3 days and the last thing I want is anybody thinking I’m pressed. Am I? Idk. Ask me that tomorrow. I should be sleep because I definitely have to be at the restaurant tomorrow at 9:45 in the morning…I don’t want to, though. It’s 11:15 now and I still have no moves. Let me IG a pic real quick. I look good so he’ll text first and relieve me of all this stress. Mia, take this pic for me real quick. Alright, 5 pics later we’ve found a winner. 100+ liker. Yes, the alcohol has boosted my confidence to gawd levels at this point. I am the gawd, the brown gawd. He sees it, of course he does. Everybody sees me fuckin shining. Alright, Rif. Calm down. You’re getting ahead of yourself. *50 likes in and no text* Now, I’m getting fucking annoyed. Why play games? Why not hit me up? I’m tired of texting first. I’m too cute for this. Doesn’t he know how many people wish that “Rif” would pop up in their notifications? Excuse my arrogance, I’ve had another shot. The likes are coming in crazy but if this kills my phone battery and I end up with no move for the night I’m gonna be PISSED. It’s 11:30 now, sobriety has escaped me and my pride is on its way out the door with it. I hate when they do this shit. They always leave when I need them the most. I know they’ll be back in the morning, but still. Whenever they return the next morning they usually bring a hangover with them and we all know that’s no fun. It’s 11:45 & still no text. Fuck it. I’ll send a “Hi” because that’s neutral, right? *LED light goes off*This isn’t instagram, it’s him. I know it is. You motherfucker. You had your phone in your hand this entire time and you waited for me to text first…because you knew I would. You knew I’d come looking for a fix sooner or later. My overuse of emojis makes it clear that I’m under the influence. I’m being nice & if I call? Oh, you’ll hear the shots of Henny all in my voice. I’m not speaking with confidence like usual, my words are slurring. You can hear my smile through the phone, especially that weird parted lips/tongue slightly sticking out smile I do when I think I’m getting some. You hear it and you love it. You still aren’t responding as fast as I need you to. Are we gonna link up? Are you gonna wait up until after we go get some food? I’m just waiting on them…

…and just like that, I’ve exposed my vulnerabilities. I come to you and now you know that I’m not as cold as I seem. Just like everyone else,  I have desires and needs that must be met. I’m human too. I, too, am a woman and there are some emotions that my walls just can’t protect me from. I showed you that and in the morning I’ll show you how quickly I can revert back to my regular, stone-faced self. Back to life. Back to reality.

fuck. I’ve really gotta stop drinking so much.